Impact of Perspectives on Relationships and Self
It's paramount to appreciate the significance of viewing the world from others' perspectives. Equally vital is comprehending our own perspectives and adjusting them when necessary. Here's how and why.
Hello friend! I hope you're doing well. It's already Tuesday! I'm taking time off work, yet I still feel so busy. But it's a good kind of busy. The days are flying by, and I'll be returning to work soon. Enough about me. Sorry this week's story is a bit late; I've been juggling too many things in the past few days.
Anyway, let's dive into this week's book mixture. [~7 mins read]
This week's blend is about perspectives - those lenses through which we all see the world. Yet, we each wear different, unique lenses that are the only edition in the world, customized just for us.
This week's story is from two books: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey, and “How Emotions Are Made“ by Lisa Barrett.
Barrett tells us that, according to neuroscience, perspectives are built based on past experiences, the environment we come from, our upbringing, and the culture into which we were born.
Covey highlights two key thinking paradigms: the traditional “Character Ethic” and the more contemporary “Personality Ethic.” The “Character Ethic,” popular from 1776 up to WWI, centers around core values like integrity, humanity, and justice. On the other hand, the “Personality Ethic,” which took hold post-WWI, zeroes in on aspects like public image, attitudes, and skills, along with a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA).
These paradigms are quite different at their core; the first is about building genuine human qualities, while the second leans towards outward success and image. Grasping these concepts can help us get a handle on how perspectives shape our interactions and understanding of each other.
Try to Take Off Your Lens Every Once in a While
Your brain weighs its predictions based on probabilities; they compete to explain what caused your sensations, and they determine what you perceive, how you act, and what you feel in a given situation.
Barrett, Lisa Feldman. How Emotions Are Made (p. 93)
I have a colleague (I’ll use fake names), Sienna, who initially struck me as overly talkative and disorganized, making it challenging for me to follow her thoughts. Consequently, I avoided collaborating with her. However, a new team member, John, saw things differently. He observed that Sienna's seeming disorganization stemmed from her ability to consider multiple angles and process vast information, leading to her unique problem-solving approach. John discovered that by encouraging Sienna to write down or visually map her thoughts, he gained a fresh perspective on problem-solving. This experience made me realize that understanding Sienna's approach could have offered me valuable insights and a deeper connection with her.
As Barrett says in her book, our brains try to work out all the possible probabilities to interpret any situation we go through. The one that resonates the most and aligns with our past experiences, goals, and context is the one we choose to adopt as our perspective. This doesn't necessarily mean that it's the only perspective.
We need to recognize that others may have perspectives vastly different from our own, yet these viewpoints can still be righteous and valid. It's important to take the time to listen and give others the space to express their perspectives.
Additionally, we should be patient and allow others to grow at their own pace, whether it's while raising children, supporting a partner overcoming past pain, developing a new positive habit, or quitting a detrimental one.
There Are No Shortcuts in Life
“How can we remember our ignorance, which our growth requires, when we are using our knowledge all the time?” —Henry David Thoreau
Covey's book tells us that the “Personality Ethic” seeks “fast solutions.” It promotes ideas like “get rich fast” or “lose 10 kg in a week,” and so on.
We try things very hard all the time, and yet it doesn't work. We hear people say: My marriage has gone flat and we don't talk anymore. We went to counseling and did everything the counselor said, and it's still not working for us. I'm a manager and my employees don't respect me, and they see me as a monster. I've been to all the seminars, and read countless leadership books, and it's still not working. I've been writing for months, and still, I'm not making six figures, not even three figures... and the examples go on.
I am guilty of this thinking as well. In the background, I'm always impatient, wanting fast results, striving for quick wins.
Modern life is so fast, making us subconsciously believe that growth should happen quickly too. Even with emotions, we believe there's no physical growth to them. However, Barrett says in her book that the new theory in neuroscience suggests that your brain constructs emotions on the fly based on many factors that are customized for you.
Covey says that even emotions need time and effort to change, to shift, to develop. If you are raising a child, you see how slowly they start to learn and grasp things. Things happen with them gradually, patiently, and consistently. They learn to crawl, then stand, then walk, then run. They don't learn to run all of a sudden. The same goes for almost all human experiences.
If you want to change something, build a habit, shift your view of the world, or even change others, you need time, consistent effort, desire, and an understanding that there are no shortcuts in life. You need to walk the entire road, go through hardships, learn, and allow yourself time to stumble and then stand back up.
Paradigms are like maps, as Covey describes them; they guide you through the journey. Having the thinking paradigm of “I want results fast” is like having a map of Manhattan when you want to go to Detroit. You need the right map and the right thinking paradigm: if you want to achieve something, you need to allow it time, effort, consistency, and patience.
It’s Easier to Change Yourself Than to Change Others
I was reading the first chapter of “Rich Dad Poor Dad“ yesterday (yes, it's my first time reading it, and it's already blowing my mind), and the author mentioned how his rich dad told him that the problem is not others, the problem is yours. When we blame a manager for not raising our salaries, or capitalism for sucking our time and lives to make rich people even richer, we are putting the problem on someone else.
But consider this: if you engage with your manager, take more off their plate, and ask how you can help them and help them, you are making them raise your problem, not theirs. You need to work smart, making the right impact at the right time, helping with no intention of taking anything in return. If something comes back, great; if not, then you learn, evolve, and grow.
I used to blame people for things that happened to me. I blamed someone for not loving me back the way I wanted, and my manager for being a micromanager. However, the problem wasn’t theirs; it was in me.
I needed to change my perspective of them. I needed to understand that the person who didn’t love me the way I dreamt of was loving me in the only way they understood, based on their experience, their upbringing, and so on. I needed to look from their perspective, not my own.
If only we shift our perspectives from our limited views to the other person’s perspective. This only comes through active listening, understanding, and a deep willingness to abandon our selfishness and ego.
Uplift Your Level of Thinking
“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” — Albert Einstein
This wisdom underlines the core message of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People": to address life's challenges effectively, we must elevate our thinking. This journey begins from within, rooted in our principles, character, and self-awareness.
Whether it's nurturing a happy marriage, guiding a teenager, or thriving professionally, the key lies in our internal growth. By focusing on our character and keeping promises to ourselves, we lay the groundwork for genuine, lasting change in our external world. It's a process of personal victories that ultimately lead to public success, a journey of evolving and becoming more effective in every interaction.
This approach isn't about quick fixes or surface-level changes. It's about a deep, ongoing commitment to self-improvement, aligning with the natural laws of human growth. As we embark on this upward spiral, we not only enhance our lives but also positively impact those around us.
Conclusion: The Power of Perspective in Personal Growth
The power of perspective is not just about our internal dialogue; it extends to how we interact with the world.
When we change our perspective, we open ourselves to new ideas, diverse viewpoints, and alternative approaches to problem-solving.
Heraclitus, an ancient philosopher, once said, “The only constant in life is change.” How we perceive and interpret change profoundly influences our ability to adapt and evolve.
Our perspective shapes our response to life’s ever-changing circumstances. It acts as a lens through which we view challenges and opportunities. A shift in perspective can transform obstacles into stepping stones, leading to personal breakthroughs and growth.
This concept resonates with Carol Dweck’s research on mindset, where she differentiates between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Embracing a growth mindset enables us to view change not as a threat, but as a catalyst for development and self-improvement.
Adopting a flexible perspective means recognizing that our way of seeing things is not the only way.
Appreciating the diversity of perspectives around us enriches our understanding and fosters deeper connections with others. It allows us to approach situations with curiosity and openness, essential traits for personal and relational growth.
To cultivate a broader perspective, it’s important to engage in continuous learning, expose ourselves to different cultures and experiences, and practice empathy. By doing so, we not only enhance our adaptability but also contribute to a more understanding and collaborative environment.
In conclusion, the power of perspective in personal growth is immense. As Heraclitus reminds us, change is inevitable. It’s our perspective towards this change that determines our path — whether we choose to grow, learn, and positively influence those around us, or remain stagnant. By embracing a dynamic and open perspective, we equip ourselves to thrive in life’s constant change.
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