Criticize Like You Advice
Efficiently delivering criticism to the point where it doesn't even feel like criticism is an art. The methods shared here is designed to help you navigate critique without sparking conflicts.
Personal and professional relationships can be challenging to maintain as we interact with individuals who are different from us regularly. Human beings are incredibly complex, which makes it understandable that dealing with one another can be difficult. We often encounter challenging situations, so it's essential to remain aware of our thoughts and the thoughts of others. We should strive to the best of our abilities to navigate these complexities.
In this series, I will share a blend of thoughts to address the significant question of "How to Deal With People," drawing inspiration from books such as “Thinking Fast and Slow” — by Daniel Kahneman, “Win Friends And Influence People” — By Dale Carienge, and the “Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck“ — by Mark Manson.
In the upcoming sections, I will share thoughts on how to maintain your personal/professional relationships and how to deal even with strangers.
Avoid Blaming and Doubting
It's not helpful to immediately place blame on others or doubt them without first verifying your assumptions about them. There are several reasons for this:
They will instinctively become defensive, doing everything they can to protect themselves. By default, they are unlikely to admit they are wrong.
This approach tends to lead to heated arguments without yielding practical, rational solutions.
Responding with blame can provoke stubbornness, resistance, and challenges. As you can imagine, this isn't beneficial for anyone involved.
So, why resort to blame when it won't help you achieve your desired outcome or bring about any positive change?
When you find yourself consumed by anger, directing it at the person who angered you only exacerbates the situation. It's often best to remain silent until you've thoroughly assessed the situation and gained a deeper understanding of why you're angry. This allows you to choose the most appropriate words to express your anger without causing harm or harm.
Rather than doubting people, try assuming good intentions initially, unless proven otherwise. Remember, contrary to what we might believe, "You are not right all the time, and neither am I!”, which takes us to the next sections.
You’re Not Right All The Time
Before doubting people, it's important to doubt yourself first. None of us are right all the time, and this is a fact we often forget.
Mark Manson shared a story in his book about how he was betrayed by his partner, and he initially blamed her for what had happened. He went as far as frequenting bars and drowning his sorrows in alcohol, avoiding living his life. He believed he was the victim and that his actions made sense. However, one day he woke up to the realization that the only person he was punishing with these actions was himself. Instead of fixating on the unjust situation he had experienced, he understood that he should take responsibility for his own life and not place blame on others.
Another story Mark Manson tells is about William James, who was born with numerous diseases. His father had high hopes for him and enrolled him in Harvard Medical School, even though William didn't want to become a doctor at the time. William decided to challenge his father by leaving everything behind and embarking on an unrealistic journey to the Amazon rainforest, a physically demanding experience for someone with a weakened immune system. As expected, he fell ill and was unable to return home for a long time.
Upon returning and facing his father's anger, William initially blamed everyone and everything for the difficulties he had faced, including his diseases. This despair led him to contemplate suicide. Fortunately, he gave himself a chance for one year, during which he would take full responsibility for everything in his life and refrain from blaming anyone or anything.
The results were astonishing. William was amazed by how much his life improved, especially his relationships with himself and those around him. He went on to become a successful psychologist and philosopher.
It's important to note that avoiding blame and doubt doesn't mean suppressing your disappointment or not expressing your feelings to others. Rather, it's about understanding your own emotions and disappointments first and taking responsibility for your actions before placing blame on others.
Giving Constructive Criticism: Three Simple Steps
It's impossible to go through life without forming opinions or disliking certain aspects of people or things. Therefore, it's perfectly fine to express your thoughts, but the key is in how you express them.
In this section, we'll explore the art of providing constructive feedback. It's crucial to understand that both giving and receiving constructive feedback can be challenging. Here, we'll present a concise and effective three-step process for offering constructive criticism to achieve the desired results.
1. Praise honestly or don’t praise
When providing feedback to someone, it's important to consider the positive aspects of the person you're addressing. While many individuals do this to some extent, genuine and honest feedback is often lacking. Some individuals use praise as a means to soften the impact of their criticism. For instance, if you want to address your son's study habits and say, "I know you are studying, but you need to invest more time and quit playing," it's clear that the praise is superficial. The recipient of this feedback can sense it, and they are likely to either dismiss what you're saying or become defensive.
A more effective approach to praise is to provide concrete examples of the qualities you're praising and explain why you believe someone is skilled or talented in a particular area. When praise is heartfelt, it tends to resonate with the recipient. Therefore, it's essential to avoid making insincere comments for the sake of it.
Replacement for praising
There are situations where you may not know a person well enough to offer genuine praise, or there may be no room for praise, such as when they have committed a crime or caused harm to someone. In such cases, there is a substitute for praise, as described by Dale Carnegie in "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
Carnegie shares a personal story in which he rented out his property during the winter, covering the bills, and then increased the rent in the spring and summer to compensate for the high winter bills. The rental agreement was meant to be year-round.
However, the tenant decided to leave the flat in the spring, causing a problem for the landlord as he had paid for high winter bills in vain. The tenant had not honored the rental contract, which angered the landlord. Dale decided to take action but did so wisely. He could have threatened the tenant with legal action by saying,
You have a contract that requires you to pay rent for a full year, and I can sue you for it.
Instead, he went to him and said something along the lines of
I am genuinely sorry that you're leaving. I can't believe it. From my experience with tenants, it seems like you are someone who keeps their word and doesn't play games. That's why I have a simple request for you: could you delay your departure by a few days, from now until the end of the month? If you still want to leave after that, you can go, and I won't ask for anything more.
After that month, the tenant continued to honor the full rental contract. It was as if they wanted to remain true to their principles. Carnegie argues that deep down, everyone has noble principles, even criminals and wrongdoers. If you can tap into those principles when speaking with them, you can achieve genuine results.
Of course, there's no guarantee of success, as you may not be able to reach those noble principles within every person. Nevertheless, it's worth the effort to try.
2. Offer Future Advice, Don't Criticize the Past
Criticizing someone for their past actions isn't productive since the past cannot be altered. Instead, it's more effective to turn it into advice for the future.
For instance, say, "It would be great if you could do XYZ in the future instead of ABC," rather than, "Why did you do XYZ? It would have been much better if you did ABC."
3. Avoid Connecting Praise and Advice with "But" or "If"
The word "but" can negate what comes before it. To illustrate the difference, compare these two statements:
"You make this recipe very well, but don't increase the salt a bit."
"You make this recipe very well, and it would be even better if you increased the salt a bit."
There's a substantial distinction between these two sentences. I personally experience this difference when dealing with one of my family members who has high standards for food. When I prepare a recipe they enjoy, they tend to mix "praise" with "but" and "criticism." It would mean a lot more to me if they expressed appreciation and offered advice instead of criticism.
Criticising with Cognitive Insights
In the book "Thinking, Fast and Slow" by Daniel Kahneman, a groundbreaking exploration of the human thought process and decision-making, there are principles that can significantly enhance interactions in relationships, particularly when it comes to providing criticism and feedback. Kahneman's work delves into the two systems of thinking: System 1, which is intuitive and operates quickly, and System 2, which is more deliberate and analytical.
Applying the insights from Kahneman's book to relationship interactions, especially in the context of criticism, can be highly beneficial. Here's how these principles can be incorporated:
Understanding Cognitive Biases: Kahneman's book goes through the numerous cognitive biases that influence our decision-making.
One of these is the confirmation bias, which leads people to seek and interpret information in a way that confirms their pre-existing beliefs. When giving criticism, it's essential to be aware of this bias and avoid falling into the trap of confirming your negative assumptions about the person you are addressing. Instead, strive to view their actions objectively and be open to alternative explanations.
Embracing System 2 Thinking: System 1 thinking is rapid and often emotional, leading to impulsive reactions and snap judgments. In contrast, System 2 thinking is slower and more deliberate.
When giving criticism, it's valuable to engage System 2 thinking. Take the time to reflect on the situation, consider multiple perspectives, and formulate your feedback thoughtfully. Avoid reacting impulsively, which can lead to hurtful or unproductive criticisms.
Framing and Language: Kahneman discusses the concept of framing, which emphasizes how the way information is presented can significantly influence decision-making.
When offering criticism, be mindful of your choice of words and framing. Instead of framing it in a negative or confrontational manner, try to present your feedback in a constructive and supportive way. This can make the recipient more receptive to your insights.
Feedback and Decision Heuristics: Kahneman's work explores decision-making heuristics, which are mental shortcuts people use to make judgments and decisions.
When giving feedback, be aware of heuristics such as the availability heuristic (relying on readily available information) and the anchoring heuristic (overemphasizing the first piece of information encountered). Ensure that your feedback is based on a balanced assessment of the individual's actions rather than being skewed by heuristics.
Incorporating these principles from "Thinking, Fast and Slow" can lead to more effective and considerate interactions when providing criticism in relationships. By understanding cognitive biases, engaging in deliberate thinking, using careful language and framing, and avoiding common heuristics, you can offer feedback that is fair, and constructive, and ultimately strengthens your relationships.
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