Fallacies About Marriage

Demystifying what we get wrong about marriage.

Hello friend! :)

Basma here, from Books Mixture, your biweekly newsletter featuring insightful stories from the best non-fiction books.

Reading time: 6 mins

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

I was listening the other day to a YouTube lesson by a respected psychologist.

He was talking about marriage: why people have been abstaining from marriage, and why divorce rates are increasing. It was a pretty inspiring lecture, which got me thinking: What fallacies do we have about marriage, and what are their corrections?

I have been married for a year and a half. I am 28 (I hate to say it, but I am about to be 29 this September).

I have been listening to podcasts, reading books, and so on, to improve my communication skills in marriage (before I got married.) To be ready for the experience.

To be honest, the experience is different from the theory, but a realistic theory provides you with a road map, and it’s up to you whether to follow it or get lost.

In this letter, we’ll discuss the fallacies about marriage, why they are dangerous, and whether they are part of the reason why youths are abstaining from marriage and why divorce rates are rising. Additionally, we'll discuss the correction of these fallacies.

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#1 Marriage is not necessary.

Marriage is starting a family and being committed to it. It’s putting all you have into it, for the prospect of you and others you care about. Your mind shifts from “the world revolves around me only,” to “the world revolves around my family.”

You start to have ideas about solidarity instead of disintegration. You start to put all you have into that nucleus of a society, which you started and are responsible for.

Think the opposite, living single without a sense of purpose or anyone to care for can often lead to feelings of loneliness and purposelessness. You’re more likely to envy others who have strong supportive families.

The spreading of “marriage is a corrupt system” has made people degenerate over the years. It opened doors for individualism, materialism, and aberration.

These are not just assumptions or me talking out of my own opinion alone. It’s science-packed as well. Go search for the amount of research done on the effect of abstaining from marriage and high divorce rates on the degeneration of societies. You’ll be shocked at the amount of data relating crime, drug usage, and even suicide to individualism and choosing to abstain from marriage for no real purpose.

Marriage is a societal necessity, not an individualistic necessity.

This is why marriage needs to be the norm in societies. But not the exception as we see today.

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#2 Marriage is necessary (No life without marriage.)

This is also untrue. Some people think that there’s no stability without marriage. That there’s no good life without marriage.

Yes, we all have spiritual needs. We need someone to hold, to care for, and to feel comfortable with. We need to be cared for as well, to be loved, and to belong.

Even sex I’d argue that it’s spiritual more than animal instinct. You yearn for the spiritual connection that comes out of the bodily touch. Sex is not like being hungry, or thirsty. Because you die if you don’t eat or drink. But, you don’t die if you don’t have sex. Another, proof of this, is that we live many years after adulthood without having sex. That urge to have sex never comes unless many people around us are mentioning it — or the media all over the place arousing the instincts.

The materialistic and consumption-driven world we live in nowadays can make you think that you can’t live without marriage or sex. Making people consume sex like any other material they consume, just like sugar, saturated fats, and carbs we are overly consuming. There’s marketing everywhere and on your phones all day about it. The same goes for sex it’s materialistic now as a consumer product through porn and revealing pictures everywhere.

Many scholars throughout the years didn’t marry. They married science or research. Some people live for different purposes. But real important purposes not fake ones.

This doesn’t mean that this is an advocacy for abstraining from marriage. But it’s an invitation to think, your reasons for marriage. And, if you don’t find the right person yet, don’t jump for anyone just because you “can’t“ live without it.

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#3 Marriage is hell, a golden cage, or a failed institution.

Usually, people who have a good or satisfying marriage life don’t speak up. It’s people who have many things to complain about who do. Like anything in life, bad feedback is louder.

But, if you ask me, usually people who fail to communicate with their spouses are the same ones who speak badly of marriage. They are spreading bad thoughts to blame externals, to avoid taking responsibility for their thoughts, ideas, or the reasons behind their abstinence from marriage or their failure if they are married.

Taking responsibility and ownership over your mistakes, feelings, and thoughts is the first step towards fixing a problem. That’s what effective people do. That’s what Steven Covey in the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” and other psychologists keep talking about.

I have seen from life experience that whenever I take responsibility for a mistake and start looking at things inside me that caused it, instead of blaming external factors, this makes a huge difference in me not making the same mistake again.

A simple example of this: I decided to cook with sea salt. It’s very different in terms of the quantity you put. I put too much salt, ruining many dishes in the last few weeks. Every time I kept saying it’s the new salt’s problem, not mine. And, my husband kept saying, “Why don’t you just taste it? Don’t rush into putting whatever quantity.” And, I kept ignoring him because I didn’t want to admit it was my fault.

Until one day, my husband’s blood pressure got high because of the excessive salt in the dish. So, he started yelling at me. I can’t blame him; to be honest, he’s been very patient with me on this. I took responsibility for it, saying that I would taste the dish and add salt little by little (and I also got the regular salt just in case I failed again). The problem was fixed.

It seemed like a very simple problem at the start, but my stubbornness to not admit my mistake only made it worse.

The same line of thought can be extended to all problems in marriage, to be honest.

Whenever both parties take responsibility and try to make things better, with patience and dedication, things will get better.

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#4 Marriage is none of these things either.

Marriage is like life. It’s realistic, and real, and reveals your and your spouse's naked reality.

There’s no makeup or fake talk here. It’s where you get to know your partner for who they really are.

Just like life, marriage has its ups and downs. It offers many moments that are worth living for, as well as moments when you fall apart.

And, as in life, you need to reflect on your mistakes. Don’t panic when you make mistakes; reflect on them and work on fixing them.

Expect the same from your spouse. Don’t expect them to be perfect or fault-free. They are human. They will make mistakes, break down, and fall apart. They will need you to be there. They will have many weak moments and many moments of strength. They will be tough on you and themselves.

What matters here is learning how to express yourself to them. Speak up when things are not going as expected. Communicate your expectations and ensure they are on the same page as you.

Another crucial aspect of any marriage is strategically and intentionally overlooking small mistakes or insignificant things.

If you dwell on every single small thing, you’ll make it feel like hell.

However, at the same time, you need to set boundaries on what you can and cannot accept. Be clear with yourself first about what you can and cannot tolerate. When these boundaries are crossed, start speaking up, carefully, calmly, and using all the communication skills you have.

All marriage needs is dedication, patience, consideration, and the abandonment of selfishness.

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Final words

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to marriage. There are no two identical families in the world.

I can’t give you specific marriage advice tailored for you or your family. But I can tell you the qualities that, if found in you and your spouse, will lead to a satisfying life.

These qualities include patience, dedication, admitting mistakes (starting with yourself), taking ownership of those mistakes, fixing them, and speaking up, never sweeping issues under the rug. Also, don’t forget the most important one, strategically overlook what you can accept.

If you are not married yet, don’t fear the experience. Don’t listen to negative people who spread their failures onto others, and don’t listen to unrealistic people either.

Like anything worthwhile in life, you won’t know its sweetness or bitterness without experiencing it yourself.

To intentionally live a life that is low on materialism, individualism, and consumption, you need to dedicate your life to something greater than yourself.

You need to give back. You need to live to help others, not just yourself. So, you choose how you want to do that!

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Thank you!

Speak soon :)

— Basma